Closing a chapter

Thursday morning, around 10am, if you'd seen me walking down Regent Street, I'm sure you would have decided I was just a little bit unhinged.

You see, at 9.30am precisely, I handed my boss my letter of resignation. I managed to just about suppress my joy until I walked away.

Ten minutes later, I skipped merrily out of the office on a photo shoot, grinning from ear to ear. It felt amazing. I felt liberated and like a weight had been lifted from me. Suddenly, I was no longer frowning, no longer preoccupied with what the bullies thought of me, or what their next move was going to be.

I'd seized back the power, while maintaining the upper hand. I refrained from expanding on my reasons for leaving, was careful not to burn any bridges. But inside, I wanted to hurl petrol bombs at those bridges, I wanted to destroy ever last timber, smash every brick. But I didn't. I was gracious and serene in my resignation. I even refrained from hurling petty insults.

Instead I shall trust in karma. I'm pretty sure my resignation sent a big enough message, and if it didn't, I'm past caring. I'm outta there! 

In exactly 1 month, I'll start my new job with a new company. It's the same type of role, but a much nicer working environment, fewer bullies (i.e. none) and more grown-ups (so fewer strops, tantrums and general childish behaviour - I get enough of that at home).

My smile lasted all day, only enhanced by a lovely trip on the London Eye. *sigh* Photo shoots eh? It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.

Losing my ambition

I stumbled across an article on The Women's Blog on The Guardian today that got me thinking. The article was about the frighteningly low percentage of women in top, board room level jobs. In the US, only 3% of the chief executives running Fortune 500 companies are women and in the UK, just 15% of UK board members are women. Government doesn't fare much better, with just 17% of government ministers in the UK being female.

The article raised an important point: that from a very young age, girls are labelled as 'bossy' while boys are encouraged to lead the way. But is there more to it than that? Why are more women not heading up companies and running the country? Sheryl Sandberg is reported in the article as calling for "girls to be ambitious at work and men to be ambitious at home". Hear hear I say...but...something niggled me.
 Now I'm not disputing this point, I do actually agree with it. But I also think, from a personal perspective, that something else is at work to prevent women getting these top jobs.

For me, my career goals changed forever the moment I held my firstborn child in my arms for the very first time. Becoming a mother changed me in ways that I would never have imagined. I think I lost my ambition the day I became I mother.

The trials and tribulations of the office no longer held me so passionately. I still wanted to do a good job, create great work, but at the end of the day, all I wanted to do was rush home for a cuddle and a bedtime story.

When your child has a fever or is refusing antibiotics, office politics just seem so trivial and meaningless. Trying to decide if a brand promise is aligned with a brand proposition and how that fits into a 5 year marketing plan no longer fills me with frisson beyond 4:30pm. Catch me at 8:30am and I'm all over that brand promise, but threaten to interfere with the prospect of bathtime and sleepy cuddles with my boys and you're straight in my bad books.

It's not so much a case of priorities. I'm sure every mother prioritizes her children, I'm not doubting that. But the shareholders I answer to are a 5 year old and an 18 month old.  They are my Chief Operating Officer and Chief Executive Officer and disappointing them would just be more than I could ever bear.

I guess it's down to balance more than anything. I'm still ambitious, but only to a point. If that point threatens to interfere with my family life, then I'm just not interested.

Which brings us back to the age-old dilemma about having it all...can women truly have it all? Can we be the mothers we want to be while also breaking through that glass ceiling? (Oh, Carrie Bradshaw moment there!)

I'm inclined to say no. Not in my case anyway. Other women seem, from the outside, to manage it. An I'd love to know how they do it! But for me, it's a no. The only board I'll sit on is made of lego.

Behind me

Another difficult, stressful week done.

But I've promised myself that I will not dwell on the numpties at my work when I have a delicious weekend filled with my boys to throw myself into.

And with snow on the way, who wants to think about work?

What do you do...

...when after a month of on and off illness your lovely nanny suffers a family bereavement and is too upset to work?

...when you can't take any time off work to look after your own children because your job hangs by a thread?

...when you feel like the universe is conspiring against you?

...when you've got so much work to do you work late into the night, every night, just to keep your head above water?

...when you realise you've only spent about 2 hours each day with your children?

...when the laundry basket is so full, it's almost overflowed into the washing machine, set the programme and washed itself?

You open a bottle of wine, download episode 3 of Sherlock onto your Desktop iPlayer and forget about it all until Monday, that's what!

Happy weekend everyone.

Oh to be back in Egypt...

Sunday night musings...

Sometimes, webcams with the in-laws leave me feeling terribly homesick.

Sundays at home with an overtired 5 year old and an energetic 17 month old are both wonderful and horrendous in equal measure.

Feeling like your fate is sealed and people are just waiting for you to slip up sucks.

Knowing people think badly of you, also sucks.

I'm questioning tonight whether I really have the energy to turn it all around.

But in the pit of my stomach I know I must.

Wish me luck lovely readers, I think we're in for a bumpy ride.

Doubts...

Do you ever have times when you just doubt everything you're doing?

Two bouts of hospitalisation this year (first husband and then littest one) have really shaken me. Bigger is really unsettled, littler has turned back into a velcro baby and work is...well, a bit pants really.

Which leaves me doubting everything.

I usually love my job. It's a nice job, I get paid reasonably well and on the whole, the people I work with are pretty decent. But a whole load of boring politics has crept in lately and it's left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth to be honest.

I find I'm yearning for the days of freelance again. Yet I can't face the financial uncertainty that would bring.

I'm also a bit sick of writing about stuff I don't really care about (which is what I do for a job essentially - write what other people want me to write in order to sell stuff). I want to write more of this sort of stuff and this and this.

I want to be at home more and spend more time on the school run (whaaaaat? I know, crazy). But I'm reluctant to lose out financially.

I don't know what the answer is. I guess I'm looking for the holy grail of working parents everywhere - more time at home with the children while still being rewarded financially and maintaining a good standard of living.

Yeah, I know...almost impossible.


So how do you all balance the whole work/family life thing?